I built Reclaim because nobody taught me any of this

I found the tablets in the pantry because the box was pink.

We'd talked about having another child and I'd said no. Not a vague no. Some time later she went to a gynaecologist, had her IUD taken out and bought prenatal tablets. I found out because the packaging caught my eye while I was looking for something else.

It took me years to work out what I'd found in that cupboard. My no didn't count. Both our children had arrived without any conversation about whether we wanted a family. The pantry was just the first time I caught it before it happened.

I'm a somatic therapist and an executive coach in Melbourne. Reclaim is the program I run for men.

Eighteen years

I married in Brisbane in 2001 and the marriage ended in Singapore in 2019. In between we lived in London, the Netherlands, Singapore, Brisbane and Singapore again. Every one of those moves followed her career.

Here's what I believed marriage was when I went into it. We were on the same page and we'd make decisions together. When we argued, we'd both repair it and come out stronger.

I had no idea that manipulation, blame shifting, name calling and emotional abuse were things that happened between two people who loved each other. When they turned up I had nowhere to put them, so I did what I'd always done. A behaviour would repeat, my body would tell me something was off, and I'd say nothing and let it go. Then I'd let it go again.

What didn't work

After it ended I went looking for an explanation. I studied Dr Ramani Durvasula's work and the narcissism experts on the Jung Platform. I had one consultation with a psychologist who told me plainly that I was in a game and what I had to do to get out of it. I read the High Conflict Institute books.

All of it gave me tactics for handling her. None of it changed anything in me.

What moved me was self-compassion, and I reached it through parts work rather than through strategy. I trained in what had helped me. I finished IFS Level 1 in 2021, started Somatic Experiencing in 2022, and I'm now a teaching assistant with Somatic Experiencing International.

Why I do this with men

Men aren't taught any of this. It doesn't happen at home or at school, and it doesn't come up in the men's groups I go to, and I go to several. What we learn is how to endure and how to provide. Nobody shows us how to hold a boundary, or how to work out early that a person isn't safe.

There's a lot of public conversation about men not being safe. It's warranted. What gets much less attention is that some women aren't safe either. My former spouse was discreet, and almost all of it happened behind closed doors.

The men who come to me are usually not in crisis. They're functioning, holding down demanding jobs, and nobody at work has any idea. What they carry is a long-running sense that something is wrong which they can't put a name to. Most can tell me in detail what their partner needs and very little about what they need themselves.

I built Reclaim to teach men what I didn't have when I got married. How to pick a partner, and how to spot manipulation while it's happening instead of five years later. If a man is already inside something that's damaging him, the work is helping him see it clearly and act on it.

Where I am now

I've healed. I sleep, I'm healthy and I'm happy. I'm at peace with myself and I make better decisions than I used to. The relationships in my life now are meaningful and I can trust the people in them. Toxic people aren't coming anywhere near me.

I'm grateful for my former spouse. I look at her as my teacher.

I see people for who they are. We all have a light side and a dark side, and that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.